HOMESICK CLIMBER ON OPEN BIVY NEEDS TO JUST TOUGH IT THE FUCK OUT
CODY, WY—Considering that everyone else that Aaron Mulkey is climbing with is having a great time and are not freaking out about run-out pitches, being cold, an open bivy, spooning or missing their girlfriends and wives, 27 year old Tanner Callender needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this homesick bullshit is getting ridiculous, sources reported Saturday.
The man, who clearly just excused himself from the next pitch to call his girlfriend for the third goddamn time, had seriously better get his shit together ASAP or else all his moping around is going to ruin everyone else’s climb. Sources confirmed Callender will see his girlfriend again in less than 15 hours, so he needs to stop acting like a little bitch and relax, for Christ’s sake.
“It doesn’t seem like Tanner is having as much fun as the rest of us,” said fellow climber Doug Shepherd, rightly sensing that it’s high time for Callender to sack up and get with the fucking program already. “I don’t understand. We let him take one of the best pitches, but all he did was complain about his boots not being adjusted right and that he didn’t have the right tools for the pitch. He was being a real bitch the whole time.”
“Isn’t he excited that we’re going to put up this badass first ascent and summit later? It’s an R-rated route!” he continued, while a forlorn Callender behaved as if his girlfriend lived in Romania, as opposed to 2 goddamn hours away.
Though all he’s being asked to do is spend a day having a blast with 3 of his closest friends, Callender chose to sit outside of the snow cave during a pre-pitch brew like a little pansy, claiming his allergies were acting up when, in reality, his puffed-up eyes and runny nose were a direct result of 30 minutes of sobbing at the bottom of the previous pitch.
Callender, who by all accounts needs to just deal with it and grow the fuck up, pronto, has but one obligation the whole day—the mindblowingly simple task of climbing—after which he will wake up, it will be morning, and his girlfriend will come pick him up at the trailhead and take him to Pilates or some other bullshit.
Reports confirm that Joel Anderson, age 30, and Stephen Berwanger, age 36, aren’t homesick little pussies and are totally game to try to climb all night. “Tanner told me he had a stomach ache and that’s why he didn’t eat at the last pitch,” said Joel Anderson, neglecting to call Callender out on his bullshit and tell him to just nut up and eat his fucking Cliff Bar. “I hope he feels better in the morning, because I heard Stephen is gonna brew coffee and make some oatmeal!”
“It’s weird, he had the same problem during our last climb,” Shepherd said of the little girl.
According to sources, the irony here is that Callender spends lots of time away from his girlfriend every single day when he goes to work, so he ought to be used to it. In fact, reports indicate his girlfriend would probably agree that their relationship ought to take a step back, he should stop letting his irrational fears spiral out of control for a minute, and quickly reach down to double-check that he still has a set.
“I know this can be a tough age for some men to go out on big alpine adventures with their friends and sleep out in the cold,” Shepherd’s wife, Alison, said. “But I do think it’s important that men venture outside their comfort zones and see for themselves that it’s okay to spend the night away from home sometimes.”
“I will say, though, that I hope he stops coming to talk to me every time before the men leave for the climb and just goes outside with the others to pack the car,” she continued. “I’m not his fucking mom.”
As of 9 p.m., Callender is still making a big deal out of nothing. He’s totally fine, and if he complains about it being cold and dark one more time, I’m going hit TheSpot device to have his girlfriend come pick his ass up. Instead of manning up for just one night, he’s going to regret it for the rest of his goddamn life.
And there he fucking goes again.